I cried slightly then in Zoology after she told me what she though of my way of thinking.

After Zoology, in my Theology class, I was still thinking intently about my vision of the perfect love. I wanted it desperately, and I asked in my mind to no one in particular, "Why do I not have it? Why can I not have it?" etc. Well, when I asked that, a little voice inside my head--actually it was a rather firm voice--said that the kind of love that I was talking about was divine love. I found it a bit unsettling when my guides or angels or whoever randomly give me a bit of information, because whenever they say something, it is usually very spontaneous and powerful and I have to cry after I listen to them. So I did get teary-eyed. Ryan looked over at me with a sort of "what's wrong?" expression, but I shook my head at him to tell him it was nothing.

I honestly think I feel this way because I have very few distractions that take me away from my inner mind and my spirituality. Because I am introverted and because I spend most of my time in quiet thought, it feels as if my emotions and spirituality is heightened, in a sense.

I often feel as if I am a foreigner in this country. I see everyone, I see them talking to each other and I see what they are doing, but I do not understand what they are saying, or their way of thinking. In just the same respect, no one understand what I am saying. And because I am a minority in this area, I simply keep my mouth shut and disappear into the foreign crowd and try not to say a word, lest people find me strange. And because I do not try to convey my feelings to others, they are trapped inside of me and overwhelm me, and I often feel as if I can no longer deal with them. I also think that the longer I live, the more intense and unbearable the emotions will become.

I sometimes do think "I wish I were dead," not necessarily because of any dislike I have for this planet or anything in it, but because I know there is that divine love after death. And I want it. And I also know that I will receive knowledge in death, and I do dreadfully hate not knowing divine secrets here in the physical. The line for a David Bowie song comes to mind: I don't want knowledge; I want certainty. It is the complete opposite for me. I have certainty and faith, no need to give me what I already possess. I want knowledge most of all in divine aspects. Of course I never would really kill myself; that is silly.

I feel as if I am the only one that feels this way, and that no one else has a need for the divine love that I speak of. Perhaps the little message in Theology class was said to me so that I would try to focus on expanding my relationship with the divine, and not bother trying to expand it with others around me. But that thought makes me frustrated. If I was more concerned for the divine than I am now, I would surely feel even more alien and distant from my peers than I already do. It is a viscous, bloody cycle, is it not?

I want to be free from this dull weight on my heart. Thinking that I am the only one who thinks deeply in an emotional and spiritual sense makes the weight even heavier. Well, I sound just like Frodo.

Ah, yes, the Sam/Frodo relationship. That is what I want.